“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Forgiveness is a tough subject for some people. I know it was for me. I spent 40 years of my life full of anger about the wrongs done to me until one day there was no room for anything else. Bitterness and anger eventually poisoned every area of my life. I had a right to my anger and I surrounded myself with an invisible wall that God Himself couldn't penetrate. The problem was, I was alone in there, just me, myself and I. If you've ever gotten sick of your own complaints, you know there's nothing more miserable than living alone with yourself.
After coming to grips with the fact that I was never going to have a successful relationship with anyone unless I took down the wall I had built around me, I began to write out a list. (Yes, another list). On this list was the name of every person I could remember who had ever offended me. Every instance of every perceived slight was jotted down in great detail, and let me tell you, that list was long. I had no idea I had that much poison in me. When I was done with the list, I went to my room alone (believe me, you don't want to do this with anyone else around) and I read it aloud, recalling each incident, as I verbally brought it to light. Some of the instances, just by speaking them brought up so much pain and horrific crying jags that I had to stop until I could get a grip on myself. After each one, I then said, “I forgive you and let you go.” The key here was, I meant it. In my minds eye, I pictured each incident like a little boat. After I said what I had to say, I set that boat on fire, pushing it out to sea like a little Viking funeral.
It took more time than I care to admit to get through that list. I was amazed at the memories that cropped up during the process. Things I had forgotten for years suddenly came to mind and I found out there was enough baggage for a fleet of cruise ships stored away in my heart. That day I let go of my right to 40 years of hurt and pain and, for the first time ever, I knew what it felt like to be free.
It’s hard to explain, but I liken it to the way it feels to walk into a house that has just been thoroughly cleaned. But just like cleaning a house, if you don’t do it regularly, pretty soon you’ll end up right back where you started. Once you've experienced life without all that mess, trust me, you don't ever want to go back. Over the years I've had several people ask me how I could possibly forgive some of the things that were done to me and my response is always the same. How could I not? Me not forgiving them didn't hurt them or change what happened. The only thing it did was hold me hostage to what they had done and the last thing I wanted was to spend the rest of my life tied to that.
Of all the people I forgave, the hardest person was also the last one on my list.
Me. By now, it should be pretty obvious that I am my own worst enemy. Left unchecked, I have a tendency to point out my own shortcomings without mercy. I can berate myself unmercifully for each flaw as if I were capable of perfection and just not trying hard enough. It was time to lighten up on everyone, including myself.
I’d like to point out that forgiveness is a process and usually doesn’t happen all at one time. When I said it took me a long time to get through the list, I meant it. Bitterness is a sneaky bugger that hides behind emotions like self-righteousness. You know, the old sayings, “At least I'm not like so and so”, or “At least I never did that.” Sometimes pesky little boats come back and bob along the shore and those are the ones that I need to keep forgiving until they stop appearing, but if I can do it, anyone can. When all else fails use dynamite if you have to. I know I did sometimes.
Truth: No one can ever repay us for the pain they have caused us. No matter how hard they try or how much satisfaction we demand, it will never be enough. The only way to be free from the past is through forgiveness. That includes forgiving yourself.
Mahatma Gandhi
Forgiveness is a tough subject for some people. I know it was for me. I spent 40 years of my life full of anger about the wrongs done to me until one day there was no room for anything else. Bitterness and anger eventually poisoned every area of my life. I had a right to my anger and I surrounded myself with an invisible wall that God Himself couldn't penetrate. The problem was, I was alone in there, just me, myself and I. If you've ever gotten sick of your own complaints, you know there's nothing more miserable than living alone with yourself.
After coming to grips with the fact that I was never going to have a successful relationship with anyone unless I took down the wall I had built around me, I began to write out a list. (Yes, another list). On this list was the name of every person I could remember who had ever offended me. Every instance of every perceived slight was jotted down in great detail, and let me tell you, that list was long. I had no idea I had that much poison in me. When I was done with the list, I went to my room alone (believe me, you don't want to do this with anyone else around) and I read it aloud, recalling each incident, as I verbally brought it to light. Some of the instances, just by speaking them brought up so much pain and horrific crying jags that I had to stop until I could get a grip on myself. After each one, I then said, “I forgive you and let you go.” The key here was, I meant it. In my minds eye, I pictured each incident like a little boat. After I said what I had to say, I set that boat on fire, pushing it out to sea like a little Viking funeral.
It took more time than I care to admit to get through that list. I was amazed at the memories that cropped up during the process. Things I had forgotten for years suddenly came to mind and I found out there was enough baggage for a fleet of cruise ships stored away in my heart. That day I let go of my right to 40 years of hurt and pain and, for the first time ever, I knew what it felt like to be free.
It’s hard to explain, but I liken it to the way it feels to walk into a house that has just been thoroughly cleaned. But just like cleaning a house, if you don’t do it regularly, pretty soon you’ll end up right back where you started. Once you've experienced life without all that mess, trust me, you don't ever want to go back. Over the years I've had several people ask me how I could possibly forgive some of the things that were done to me and my response is always the same. How could I not? Me not forgiving them didn't hurt them or change what happened. The only thing it did was hold me hostage to what they had done and the last thing I wanted was to spend the rest of my life tied to that.
Of all the people I forgave, the hardest person was also the last one on my list.
Me. By now, it should be pretty obvious that I am my own worst enemy. Left unchecked, I have a tendency to point out my own shortcomings without mercy. I can berate myself unmercifully for each flaw as if I were capable of perfection and just not trying hard enough. It was time to lighten up on everyone, including myself.
I’d like to point out that forgiveness is a process and usually doesn’t happen all at one time. When I said it took me a long time to get through the list, I meant it. Bitterness is a sneaky bugger that hides behind emotions like self-righteousness. You know, the old sayings, “At least I'm not like so and so”, or “At least I never did that.” Sometimes pesky little boats come back and bob along the shore and those are the ones that I need to keep forgiving until they stop appearing, but if I can do it, anyone can. When all else fails use dynamite if you have to. I know I did sometimes.
Truth: No one can ever repay us for the pain they have caused us. No matter how hard they try or how much satisfaction we demand, it will never be enough. The only way to be free from the past is through forgiveness. That includes forgiving yourself.
